Friday, March 23, 2012

Where to begin...

I am Kristalynn.

We are Randy & Kristalynn.

They are Bree & Laila.
I am Kristalynn and will most likely be the only person posting on this blog. Randy isn't much for sharing. Why am I starting this? In hopes that my story, my pain, my thoughts will be able to help anyone who has gone through what I have gone through.
Bree is my daughter from a previous marriage. She will be 6 years old this October, how I have an almost 6 year old I couldn't tell you. She may be 6 but she acts and speaks like she is 26, which just so happens to be my age. She is a total mini me in every aspect of the term, even down to the attitude, but I like to say I don't know where she gets it from. That little girl helped me move forward when I didn't want to be alive. More about that later.
I separated from my ex husband in November of 2008 and met Randy in January 2009. That didn't take long. Within less than 2 months Randy moved in with Bree & I and that's where he has been ever sense. He is our ranran:). In October of 2009, after a weekend of ALOT of partying and ALOT of drinking (we live in New Orleans, it's kind of the norm around here) and ALOT of you know what we got a little suprise. WE WERE PREGNANT!
I LOVE being pregnant. My body, not so much. After starting premature labor around 6 months pregnant, at least once a week trips to the hospital for medicine to stop the contractions, blood pressure being THROUGH THE ROOF, early stages of pre-eclampsia, and what ever else could have gone wrong, we finally made it to 36 weeks and it was time to have Laila. My due date was July 2nd, we scheduled an emergency c-section on June 9th. She was completely healthy, 7lbs. 10oz. I am certain that if I would have carried her to 39 weeks like intended she would have been over 9lbs. Craziness.
First few months with Laila were great, had a few problems with her spitting up, had to change her formula a few times but as far as serious problems, we had none.
Our life as we knew it wasn't perfect, we didn't have everything, but we had everything we needed and that was all that mattered. We made our own definition of perfect.
We were so oblivious to what was about to happen.
On the night of October 6th, the last night we lived happy in our little world, Randy put Laila to bed while I was in the shower (that was the only night I didn't kiss her goodnight) and we eventually went to sleep. We didn't know it yet, but our lives as we knew them were over. The next morning our lives would change forever, we would change forever.
We had no warning, so illness, no goodbyes. We put Laila to bed that night like normal, she always slept through the night, went to wake her up to go to her babysitters house, and found her face down, not breathing, no pulse, cold to the touch.
How I was able to immediately pick her up, run for my cell phone, call 911, perform CPR on her until the police got there, then continued to assist the office with CPR until the ambulance arrived I will never know, I guess it is true that something just clicks in us mothers and we automatically know what to do when we can't even think. The ambulance arrived, took her from me, and ran back to the truck to work on her.
Bree sat on the sofa while all of this was happening before her eyes. I didn't let her see Laila not breathing, or let her see us performing CPR, but she did hear me scream that her sister wasn't breathing and of course she saw all of the police and medical teams running through the house. I quickly brought her to her room and asked her to play with one of the female officers and that I would be back.
By the time I walked out of her room to go to the ambulance they were walking back in with Laila saying there was nothing they could do, it was too late, she was gone.
Autopsy report proved she put her face straight down into the mattress of her bassinet and suffocated. How did I not know something was wrong with her? How did I not know she needed me? How did I walk past her room 10 times that morning getting everything packed and ready for the day and didn't know something was wrong? I am her mother, I was supposed to be there for her and when she needed me the most, I wasn't.


  1. My gosh, I didn't realize how hard this would be to read. I won't go into all the normal comments. You're a very strong woman, Kristalynn, even though it may not feel like it at times. For you to share your story with us, takes a ton of courage! No one should have this experience. Laila will never be forgotton. Sending love and hugs!

  2. I agree, it took a lot of courage to share this with everyone. Your amazing for taking this step. I'm very prooud of you that you were able to allow yourself to start this blog. I really think it will help. ... Oh, and I'm going to follow you. :)

  3. Kristalynn, Thank you for sharing your story!! It is not explainable sometimes of why things happen and what we could have done differently.. Try not to beat yourself up, I HAVE to believe everything happens for reason.

  4. Great job, we still have a little picture of her in our front room right above her baby swing. I think about her everyday, love you so much!! -April

  5. I am so happy that you started this blog!! More importantly, I am happy that you can share you story, feelings, thoughts on here and possibly help someone else who is going through the same thing! I'm adding you to my google reader right now!!

  6. I will never forget the first time you told me this story. I just can't understand why this had to happen. I guess we never will. Love you. - Veronica

  7. may god bless you and your family. it is not your fault she passed away =[. no one would have known. its not your fault..