Normal. I hate that word now.
After losing Laila we lost relationships with several friends and family members. After the funeral all of their lives went back to "normal" and I guess the expected ours too as well.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I want to old Kristalynn back." The old Kristalynn is gone. The old Kristalynn had two healthy daughters to take care of every day. The old Kristalynn had two children to wake up, drop off, pick up, feed, bath, put to sleep, check on, love on, etc. The old Kristalynn didn't walk in to a room and find her four month old not breathing and tried for what seemed like a lifetime to breathe life back into her. The old Kristalynn didn't have to call Randy and let him know, over the phone, that our daughter isn't breathing and he needs to come home. The old Kristalynn didn't get told there is nothing we can do for your baby, she is gone. The old Kristalynn didn't have to tell her four year old that her baby sister passed away and lives with Jesus now. The old Kristalynn didn't have to plan and attend her infant's funeral. The old Kristalynn is gone, she died with Laila.
I may not be the best parent, spouse, daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, or friend that I should be. Every day is a struggle. Just because we don't talk about how we are feeling doesn't mean we aren't living with the pain every second of every day. Every night I can't fall asleep and every morning I don't want to wake up.
I live for three people and three people only. Bree, Laila, and Randy. That is it. They are who I pour every ounce of myself into and at the end of the day they are the ones I have to worry about. If people can't understand that then I'm not sure what else to say.
One of the biggest misconceptions with death of a child is that you think we don't want you to talk about Laila. If you bring her up it might upset us. It is actually the quite opposite. We WANT you to talk about Laila. She is our daughter and will always be. She may have only been here for four months but for those four months she did exist. By you never bringing her up we feel like she has been forgotten by you, which may not be the case, but it's reality.
One of my close friends Dominique sent me a text the other day, out of the blue, to let me know she was at the cemetery visiting Laila. To know that she took time out of her life to go see our Laila meant more to us than she will ever know. I still owe you dinner for the Karma you took care of for me :) Love you!
To all of my friends and family, I haven't forgotten about you and I love each and every one of you. Know that.