LOVE

See that man right there...I wouldn't be here today without him.

We have been together for over 3 years now, and in those 3 years we have been through more than most people go through in their entire lives. He had an ankle surgery that put him out of work for 6 months, we had to find a new house,completely redo the entire house, and move in less all within less than 2 weeks before I had Laila, welcomed our beautiful daughter into the world, lost her 4 short months later, moved again because we couldn't stand to be in that house any longer, 2 months after we lost Laila he got in to a bad motorcycle accident that he needed a total of 3 surgeries for and again put him out of work for over 6 months, had a vehicle stolen...yea that's enough heartache to last a life time.

I didn't know what love was until I met Randy. I didn't know how it felt to love someone so much, more than you love yourself.

With all of those ups and downs we have had several conflicts with friends and family members and their unwanted opinions on how we should live our lives and yet one thing has remained unbroken, our commitment to each other.

I wouldn't be who I am today without Randy. We have been there for each other more than anyone in either one of our lives has been there for us and at the end of the day we are all that matters to each other, and our girls of course:)

He is such a man's man and I absolutely adore that about him. He will help anyone that needs it, is a hard worker, an awesome provider for our family, an amazing daddy, and an unbelievable partner for me to share my life with.

We have carried each other through the absolute worst times of our lives. We wouldn't have been able to make it through without each other and all though we live with alot of our pain daily, knowing that we have each other makes our broken hearts hurt just a little less.

I love him with every thing I have and absolutely can't wait to expand our little family again and become his wife one day.soon. hint hint. :)

DSR

Something you never plan for is your child to pass away, you shouldn't have to, we shouldn't have had to, but we did.

Funerals, coffin, cemetery plots, headstones, etc. is something you shouldn't have to worry about for your children and it is definitely nothing we prepared or saved for.

The costs were piling up but to be quite honest we didn't even care. We would have to find a way to take care of everything no matter what it took.

This is where our amazing friends who have now become family stepped in. They are better known as the DOWN SOUTH ROLLERS, a car club down here in New Orleans. Not only did they deposit money in the account we had opened for donations, not only did several members make cash donations at Laila's funeral, not only did they send the most beautiful flower arrangement with actual angel wings to the funeral home, they thought of, set up, organized, and successfully pulled off a huge benefit car show in Laila's honor with all proceeds donated to us to assist with all of the funeral and burial expenses.

This is the flyer that was displayed everywhere and anywhere that would allow.

This is the front of the beautiful shirts they had made for us all to wear.

I had been friends with all of the members of the car club for a few years, and I knew we all valued each others friendships but I never would have expected them to do what they did. For them to all come together and stand behind us during the worst time of our lives was something we didn't expect.

Not only will they be lifelong friends of ours but we will never be able to express our thanks or even come close to repaying all they have done for us.

One of their members April was actually Laila's babysitter, but I like to refer to her as her second mom, she loved her some April, Jimmy, and their kids. She fit right into their family:)

I am not going to start naming names because I am sure I would forget someone and I would never want to do that. Randy and I love each and every one of you and couldn't ask for better friends. You all gave us a reason to smile on our darkest days, you kept us going when all we wanted to do was quit and even to this day all of you know how to get me out of my house and force me to have a good day. And for all of those things and more, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Normal

Normal. I hate that word now.


After losing Laila we lost relationships with several friends and family members. After the funeral all of their lives went back to "normal" and I guess the expected ours too as well.


I can't tell you how many times I have heard "I want to old Kristalynn back." The old Kristalynn is gone. The old Kristalynn had two healthy daughters to take care of every day. The old Kristalynn had two children to wake up, drop off, pick up, feed, bath, put to sleep, check on, love on, etc. The old Kristalynn didn't walk in to a room and find her four month old not breathing and tried for what seemed like a lifetime to breathe life back into her. The old Kristalynn didn't have to call Randy and let him know, over the phone, that our daughter isn't breathing and he needs to come home. The old Kristalynn didn't get told there is nothing we can do for your baby, she is gone. The old Kristalynn didn't have to tell her four year old that her baby sister passed away and lives with Jesus now. The old Kristalynn didn't have to plan and attend her infant's funeral. The old Kristalynn is gone, she died with Laila.


I may not be the best parent, spouse, daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin, niece, or friend that I should be. Every day is a struggle. Just because we don't talk about how we are feeling doesn't mean we aren't living with the pain every second of every day. Every night I can't fall asleep and every morning I don't want to wake up.


I live for three people and three people only. Bree, Laila, and Randy. That is it. They are who I pour every ounce of myself into and at the end of the day they are the ones I have to worry about. If people can't understand that then I'm not sure what else to say.


One of the biggest misconceptions with death of a child is that you think we don't want you to talk about Laila. If you bring her up it might upset us. It is actually the quite opposite. We WANT you to talk about Laila. She is our daughter and will always be. She may have only been here for four months but for those four months she did exist. By you never bringing her up we feel like she has been forgotten by you, which may not be the case, but it's reality.


One of my close friends Dominique sent me a text the other day, out of the blue, to let me know she was at the cemetery visiting Laila. To know that she took time out of her life to go see our Laila meant more to us than she will ever know. I still owe you dinner for the Karma you took care of for me :) Love you!


To all of my friends and family, I haven't forgotten about you and I love each and every one of you. Know that.

Where to begin...

I am Kristalynn.

We are Randy & Kristalynn.

They are Bree & Laila.

I am Kristalynn and will most likely be the only person posting on this blog. Randy isn't much for sharing. Why am I starting this? In hopes that my story, my pain, my thoughts will be able to help anyone who has gone through what I have gone through.

Bree is my daughter from a previous marriage. She will be 6 years old this October, how I have an almost 6 year old I couldn't tell you. She may be 6 but she acts and speaks like she is 26, which just so happens to be my age. She is a total mini me in every aspect of the term, even down to the attitude, but I like to say I don't know where she gets it from. That little girl helped me move forward when I didn't want to be alive. More about that later.

I separated from my ex husband in November of 2008 and met Randy in January 2009. That didn't take long. Within less than 2 months Randy moved in with Bree & I and that's where he has been ever sense. He is our ranran:). In October of 2009, after a weekend of ALOT of partying and ALOT of drinking (we live in New Orleans, it's kind of the norm around here) and ALOT of you know what we got a little suprise. WE WERE PREGNANT!

I LOVE being pregnant. My body, not so much. After starting premature labor around 6 months pregnant, at least once a week trips to the hospital for medicine to stop the contractions, blood pressure being THROUGH THE ROOF, early stages of pre-eclampsia, and what ever else could have gone wrong, we finally made it to 36 weeks and it was time to have Laila. My due date was July 2nd, we scheduled an emergency c-section on June 9th. She was completely healthy, 7lbs. 10oz. I am certain that if I would have carried her to 39 weeks like intended she would have been over 9lbs. Craziness.

First few months with Laila were great, had a few problems with her spitting up, had to change her formula a few times but as far as serious problems, we had none.

Our life as we knew it wasn't perfect, we didn't have everything, but we had everything we needed and that was all that mattered. We made our own definition of perfect.

We were so oblivious to what was about to happen.

On the night of October 6th, the last night we lived happy in our little world, Randy put Laila to bed while I was in the shower (that was the only night I didn't kiss her goodnight) and we eventually went to sleep. We didn't know it yet, but our lives as we knew them were over. The next morning our lives would change forever, we would change forever.

We had no warning, so illness, no goodbyes. We put Laila to bed that night like normal, she always slept through the night, went to wake her up to go to her babysitters house, and found her face down, not breathing, no pulse, cold to the touch.

How I was able to immediately pick her up, run for my cell phone, call 911, perform CPR on her until the police got there, then continued to assist the office with CPR until the ambulance arrived I will never know, I guess it is true that something just clicks in us mothers and we automatically know what to do when we can't even think. The ambulance arrived, took her from me, and ran back to the truck to work on her.

Bree sat on the sofa while all of this was happening before her eyes. I didn't let her see Laila not breathing, or let her see us performing CPR, but she did hear me scream that her sister wasn't breathing and of course she saw all of the police and medical teams running through the house. I quickly brought her to her room and asked her to play with one of the female officers and that I would be back.

By the time I walked out of her room to go to the ambulance they were walking back in with Laila saying there was nothing they could do, it was too late, she was gone.

Autopsy report proved she put her face straight down into the mattress of her bassinet and suffocated. How did I not know something was wrong with her? How did I not know she needed me? How did I walk past her room 10 times that morning getting everything packed and ready for the day and didn't know something was wrong? I am her mother, I was supposed to be there for her and when she needed me the most, I wasn't.